


Starting all over again.

by luminous_nyght



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bear is mentioned, M/M, a lot of references to a life we have all lost, but it's Liam's birthday, don't read if you like the girls, hides, i have warned you, so it feels right, ummmm there is a lot of historical Ziam in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 22:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11930727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminous_nyght/pseuds/luminous_nyght
Summary: And maybe everything is still a little sad, and maybe life isn’t as perfect as he wants it to be. But he’s learnt to cherish moments like this, where Liam’s in his lap, holding onto his fingers for dear life, chuckling softly as his lips graze across Zayn’s 5 o’clock shadow. They both know that at the end of the week he’s got to go back to his other life across the sea, while Liam’s got to stay here protecting their fort, protecting their way of life,





	Starting all over again.

**Author's Note:**

> So it's been about a year since I've last properly written these two. Zayn and Liam have been with me since the start of this journey and shall be till we get proper answers. There is a timeline and there are things in here that aren't going to be to everybody's ears. Just keep in mind it's fiction and it's my own way of making the puzzle pieces all fit together.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it you guys. You can find me on tumblr at darkangelzayn. Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> This is for Liam, Happy Birthday hun xx

It’s just gone three am.

 

The streetlights outside have started to flicker, before he’s left in the dark. It’s never quiet in New York but it’s as hushed as it’s ever going to be.

 

He sighs, turns over to tap the lamp on.

 

Zayn’s on the sofa, surrounded by a life that is not his, by a soul he doesn’t love. He shakes the last remnants of sleep out of his eyes and stands, going over to the kettle to make himself a cuppa.

 

From the corner of his eye on the kitchen counter, he sees their itinerary for the next few days, it makes him want to scream.

 

All he can think about is his _other_ life, _Liam_. Their London pad and pack of dogs, their talking fridge that Liam _insisted_ on. Flashes of a life so seldom known. A breath of fresh air apart from all this rubbish.

 

He’s got half a mind to just take off and say fuck all and disappear again. But both he and them know his games and they’ve taken all steps to stop him.

 

His fingers climb up his chest to touch his wedding ring on a necklace around his neck, his kept over his heart, Liam’s in a basement safe hidden from view, giving a fleeting look at his mandala, it just about makes him want to cry.

 

_He’s come to the conclusion that some people on this planet where put here to make his life hell. All he wants is Liam, and the one thing he can’t have is him._

 

It used to be easy before, to slip away into the night and turn up on his doorstep at a godforsaken hour, but now, they’ve straddled Liam with a baby and he’s too busy pandering to plastic dolls.

 

His fingers wrap around his mug, just warm enough to remind him of Liam’s cocoa every night before bed and he wants to smile but purses his lips to hide his sadness as he takes the first sip.

 

He’s certain about only one thing right now, he won’t be in this space this time next year that’s for sure.

 

*

 

When he comes to again, it’s light outside. The flat is quiet except for the washing machine twirling in the other room. Laden on the coffee table are packs of paper filled with information he doesn’t want to sign again. He sighs and goes to grab his glasses, his hair falling over his eyes in the effort. He remembers he should be blonde and shaved again by now. Tossing his hair back with one hand he ruffles through it until it settles whilst walking through to the kitchen to make himself some toast. He grimaces at the sight of named Nutella bottles on the counter.

 

Dunking the bread in he turns slightly to take the milk out of the fridge. He never imagined it could be so hard living his life from someone else’s’ point of view. His Ammi always asks why he doesn’t just come home, but he just laughs and says what home? the one with his husband or his girlfriend. It’s the balancing act. The art that comes from lying to every single person that’s ever cared for you, no loves him, because sometimes it’s easier to pretend something isn’t hurting then to let it maim him more.

 

The telephone rings. The only person that does that is his Li.

 

“Hey jaan.” He speaks into the receiver when he picks up. It’s an old fashioned chorded phone, probably one of the only things he adores in this house. “Hi you, missed you yesterday.”

 

Zayn chuckles. “ ’as too busy photo shooting.”

 

“I know, still though, hate it when we don’t get to talk.”

 

“I know. They took me to a farm Li,” He says indignantly, “A FARM.”

 

He listens as Liam just laughs on the other side. “Anything new?”

 

“They made me kiss her on a horse.”

 

“It’s going to be sex on a horse this week then.”

 

Now he laughs himself, because well, that’s _his_ Liam.

 

“It’s just sad that they haven’t given up on me yet.”

 

“Jaan,” Liam says now a bit too serious for his liking. “We can’t do anything about it right now can we, you just have to see me show off my body to you through Instagram.”

  
Zayn muffles a laugh, “Fuck you _Mr Malik_ ,” He extenuates, “– it’s been way too long though.”

 

“Three weeks is not that long Z.”

 

“It’s damn well too long seeing you are mine, legally, emotionally and sexually.”

 

“Oi, oi.” Liam laughs most likely snaking around their bed, “Which pair are going to be the last men standing?”

 

“Us.”

 

“Yep, and I’m already getting old.”

 

“Um, Li, sweety, who’s been 24 for 7 months already.” He wants to whine, but holds himself back. Liam on the other side however decides it’s the way forward. “I knowww, but – I’m getting old Mr Malik.”

 

“Well thank goodness, you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life then, we don’t have to worry about who’s balding first.”

 

“That’s me.” Liam pipes in chuckling, probably smirking through the phone if he could. “You and your Asian genes.”

 

“I love you.” Zayn replies instead, bringing them back to their different realities.

 

“Me too, hurry home.”

 

“Always.”

 

When the phone goes dead Zayn’s, left standing in Liam’s wake, alone and holding burnt toast.

 

If he lets himself believe it, it’s like the conversation didn’t happen at all.

 

*

 

When it’s time to fly to London in preparation for the series of shoots they had planned for him, he never expected to see Liam waiting in the car with a bunch of flowers in his hands.

 

He squeals and jumps on him when the door shuts, kissing him straight on the mouth before turning his attention to the flowers.

 

“Can you still tell me what they mean?” He hears Liam pressing into his temple as his fingers come up to _touch_ Zayn’s newly buzzed blonde head.

 

“Hmm,” He fakes laughs watching as the car moves away from the car park, because of course he remembers. “Lemme see, um, we’ve got Aster, that’s _patience_ , Red Carnations, _love and pride_ , um, we’ve got daisies,” He continues slowly as he touches each set, “That’s _purity_. We’ve got lavender, that’s _protection_.” Then he looks up at Liam, who’s staring down at him with those sweet caramel eyes of his. “White roses,” He finally whispers, “my favourite.” It causes Liam to come down over him to kiss his forehead.

 

Zayn’s missed this, especially because of everything they’ve been through as of yet, but he also knows that they’ve entered their final phase, their latest new beginning, Liam’s own symbolisation embedded within the dozen white roses that filled the bouquet.

 

However, it was different now –

 

it was nearly time to meet the _baby._

 

*

As soon as his bag hits the floor a few weeks later, Zayn’s being engulfed by five of the six dogs they currently own. He watches as his Harley sits by the patio doors, refusing to share his attention with the rest. It’s funny, the relationship they have, but he knows that sooner or later he’s going to find him lying on their bed waiting to be held.

 

Zayn looks around the house as he bathes in dog kisses. He’s relieved that he doesn’t see any baby stuff in his line of sight. However, Liam’s taken to DIY.

 

“What happened to the walls?” He asks laughing, he falls back on his legs trying to take his shoes off.

 

“I didn’t like the magnolia.” Liam says seriously, a laugh surfacing from behind his eyes.

 

Zayn rolls his instead and grabs Liam’s fingers to pull him down next to him. He can rest his head on Liam’s chest now, one of Zayn’s favourite places to be. “From this angle babe, I think the white looks just right.” He hears Liam chuckle, “You don’t want to see what I’ve done to our room.”

 

“No!” Zayn jumps up laughing, “It took me so long to finish that wall.”

 

He scoots up the stairs two by two. Liam had wanted him to draw a massive mandala on their feature wall. It took him 7 days just to sketch it. He’s hoping Liam’s not just painted over it.

 

Deep down, he knows that Liam wouldn’t dare, but it isn’t going to stop him from whining about it.

 

The door is ajar and he can see that there are rose petals on the bed. When he crosses the threshold, he just about wants to stop breathing. His gaze wanders directly to his mandala. It’s painted in, a job that must have took Liam a while to finish. He’s added two banners at the top, their names scratched upon the surface of their wall. In the middle of what he left as open space, Liam combined both their family crests, the roaring Payne lion and the Malik fleur de lys to create something to resembles the tattoo on his left arm perfectly. He wants to scream now, because he’s never loved someone in the way he loves Liam.

 

On closer inspection, he sees their wedding date right in the middle, coloured white for extra exposer. _4 th September 2016. _He swears his heart skips a beat.

 

Behind him, he feels him resting his chin on Zayn’s shoulder, pulling him in with his right hand so that there isn’t space left between them.

 

“Welcome home Mr Malik.” Liam’s speaking into his ear, nibbling his new industrial piercing he’d only had put him after he’d seen Liam last. It had been over six months since he got any time to himself, any time to come home, but moments like these make a lot of hassle worth it.

 

“Main tumse pyar karta hoon.” Is all he is able to get out of his system when he finds his tongue again. Liam chuckles, moving them across the room, stumbling over the bed nearly finding his arse flat on the floor. But they just laugh, because both of them know these moments are few and far between.They’re closer now, close enough to make out very small but distinct numbers on the wall. New additions to his mandala.

 

“Look,” Liam’s saying bringing him closer. “10th March 2010 – the day we met.” He smiles bringing his index finger over the date at the core of his drawing. “7th June 2010. The day we took you to Centre Parcs.”

 

“23rd July 2010 – we made history.”

 

He’s tongue tied and he’s a bit unsteady on his feet but he feels compelled touch them, to see if they’re really real.

 

“25th September 2010.” Zayn smiles, “The first time you kissed me.”

 

“31st December 2010.The first time _you_ kissed me.”

 

Zayn chuckles and jumps to the next date on their map over a year and a half later. “10th March 2012 – you asked me out then.” Liam grabs his finger on the wall and moves it along to 9th June 2012. “The day everything changed.”  Liam whispers just next to his ear.

 

It truly did, because for the first time in a very long time, it was the first night Zayn could call Liam, _his._

 

A few moments later, Liam presses another kiss to his forehead and retreats into their ensuite leaving him to his own devices for a while.

 

The map, made him forget for a moment everything in their lives, all the aches and pains all the heartache and the heartbreak. He realises that for the first time in a long time, he’s got _him_. He’s got the man and up to this point – he’s not had the time to enjoy him.

 

He runs his fingers onto one of his favourite dates, “4th September 2014.” Comes into view, he had proposed to Liam then, post coital and fucked out of his mind, it had come out in the  most absurd of settings, at their most unrelenting time, but Liam had said yes.

 

Liam had said yes and meant it.

 

“Remember the first time we told the boys.” He hears Liam laugh from somewhere distant not quite sure if it’s coming from the bathroom or the closet. “I remember the way they reacted, like we’d given them the gift of the century.”

 

He turns slowly to watch Liam rush around to get his stuff out of the drawers. There is nervousness in his manner, like he’s itching to say something but doesn’t quite know how. “Jaan,” Zayn moves, reaching his hand out to slip under Liam’s jaw. “I know they’re bringing the baby, _it’s okay_.” Liam’s hand comes up to steadily hold Zayn’s arm. His eyes flicker down and then back up. Their colour has changed, the darker shade of brown suited Liam too, but Zayn knew that only happens when Liam is either sad, horny or afraid.

 

Zayn pushes himself forward so that he’s able to grab Liam’s cheeks with both his hands.

 

“Liam,” He says softly now, as he presses his lips to his,  “This baby has come to us for a reason and I won’t sit here and pretend that we can’t love him just because he isn’t _ours._ Them contracts, they dictate our entire lives, the fact that we got this far shows them everything they need to know about us.” He watches and his own hands start to shake, hears as his own voice becomes unsteady. “When I took my vows, I promised to love you in all aspects of our lives. When we took our Nikkah I was in seventh heaven. When I got bonded to you for life, everything else stopped mattering the moment I became yours.”  Liam’s eyes flicker again, this time however there is resignation in his resolve.

 

“I love you Meri – Jaan, in all things.” Zayn says even softer now, bringing Liam into his chest. They share a moment. Zayn allows himself to close his eyes. He can smell Liam’s ever cherished lavender shampoo mixed with Zayn’s own cologne. He’s missed him, but he’s found that only when he’s with him, that he realises what he’s lost.

 

When Zayn moves out of the way, he goes in search for the safe code that’s changed every day. In the meantime, he flicks the kettle on to make them a mug of hot cocoa to calm Liam’s nerves. The moment he comes down the stairs he observes the way Liam walks now. The confident stride that didn’t exist when they first met. The deep-set smile that covers his face and his ever-present birthmarks that Zayn’s always adored so much. In his pocket, he feels for the sheet of paper he wants to give Liam as a gift further along in the week but he can’t help himself.

 

He waits until Liam sits down on the breakfast bar, hands him his mug first then sauntering over to stand next to him. With a smile, he grabs his left hand and slips on Liam’s wedding ring. They’ve done this _countless_ times, but each time feels somewhat new again. He’s looking as Liam’s nervously looking up at the clock. Zayn doesn’t mention it, he just leans in to kiss him. As it deepens he feels himself falling further into _his_ man, something he’s not done in quite a while.

 

When he pulls back, Liam’s smiling gently. “I know you don’t turn 24 for a few days,” Zayn chuckles and lifts his index finger to cover Liam’s mouth, not allowing him to tell him off for buying gifts again. “ _but,”_ he emphasises, “It’s my first one as your husband, so you’ve gotta accept it alright?”

 

Liam smiles almost shyly but nods anyways, allowing Zayn to take the parchment out.

 

“They’re angel wings,” Zayn speaks softly, afraid now of the reaction. “to go on your back.” He hushes out, tapping at Liam’s shoulder blades lightly “You’ve been my guardian angel from the minute we first met Li, I think it’s time everyone knows it.”

 

Liam’s hands tremble as they go the grab the paper. “God, I love you.” Liam’s rushing out beaming. Zayn sighs with relief and presses a kiss to Liam’s forehead. “I’ll always love you.” He mutters under his breath but loud enough for Liam to hear.

 

Liam lets go of the sheet to grab Zayn’s waist instead. He’s now between his legs, allowing Zayn’s hands to go all the way round Liam’s waist to hold his shoulders.

 

They stay that way, until their doorbell rings, shattering the calm before the storm.

 

When Liam opens the door, he watches as she makes her way in with her pram.

 

With a sigh, he tells himself that this is just the start.

 

*

 

To his surprise, it doesn’t go half as bad as he expected. She explains to him the very reasoning as to why Liam was picked. He knows in his head it makes sense, but his heart still aches. He watches as Bear crawls all over their carpets, at 5 months old he’s managing quite nicely. He notices that Liam doesn’t interact much with him, almost afraid to touch him, a behaviour that isn’t usually exhibited with Liam because he adores children, but he knows that this baby has changed his entire life so Zayn can see why there is caution.

 

When she leaves a few hours later she drops her own agenda on the coffee table, leaving them with highlighted sections of what _could_ happen, what _needs_ happening and what’s _expected_ of him. But of course, Liam’s cuddling up to Harley on the sofa, obviously trying to forget the afternoon.

 

When Liam sees him, he moves slowly to the right to make space. “That wasn’t that bad was it.” He smiles when he sees that Liam’s shaking his head. “Liam.” He says a bit too sternly for his own good. “I know he’s an IVF baby, _okay_? I know that you didn’t have anything to do with him, and I also know you didn’t get a choice.” He feels Liam’s hand on his, realising he’s looking for Zayn’s wedding band. “I’m here, _see_.” He smiles, clinking the metal together. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

 

It seems to satisfy Liam enough for him to relax. Zayn’s eyes flit down to look at Liam’s 4 tattoo that sits right on top of his ring finger. It’s a different sort of birthday celebrations this year he admits to himself. Up until their wedding day, they would have ripped each other to shreds before saying even hi, but now, things have shifted so much, everything has just became that little bit more serious.

 

So maybe a typical 24-year-old married couple wouldn’t be spending their nights longing after a present they currently can’t have, but in so many ways, they have never been a typical couple.

 

“Hey Li?” He speaks after a while of watching the blue hue of the television set dancing across Liam’s features.

 

“Happy Birthday.”

 

And maybe everything is still a little sad, and maybe life isn’t as perfect as he wants it to be. But he’s learnt to cherish moments like this, where Liam’s in his lap, holding onto his fingers for dear life, chuckling softly as his lips graze across Zayn’s 5 o’clock shadow. They both know that at the end of the week he’s got to go back to his other life across the sea, while Liam’s got to stay here protecting their fort, protecting their way of life.

 

But Zayn doesn’t want to think about it just yet, he doesn’t want to think about Liam’s upcoming boat trip and his own set of paparazzi pictures waiting for him when he lands back in America, because for _this_ one fleeting moment, with the lights dimmed and their _family_ spread across the sofa fast asleep, everything in the world is just about _perfect._


End file.
